"A victim mentality is when a person has a mindset, a certain way of thinking, where they refuse to take responsibility for their life and their emotions and what
they're going through, and instead they put the blame on someone else. They put it somewhere else, so it's a way
of interpreting how people come across, what to make of life, what to make of relationships."(Mike Connell)
they're going through, and instead they put the blame on someone else. They put it somewhere else, so it's a way
of interpreting how people come across, what to make of life, what to make of relationships."(Mike Connell)
Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People
who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them.
who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them.
This belief results in constant blame, finger- pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.( MATEO SOL LonerWolf.com)
So as a man thinks in his heart, so he is, so there are some examples of it of
course, and I want to move through this quickly so we get to solutions, but do you remember in Exodus, Chapter 15 -
course, and I want to move through this quickly so we get to solutions, but do you remember in Exodus, Chapter 15 -
let's have a brief look there in Exodus 15.The people of Israel had been in slavery for 400 years.Now they had been delivered, they are no longer slaves.Although they're physically no longer a slave, although physically they are free, in their mind they still think like a
slave, so - Verse 23 - they came to Marah - which meansbitter - and they couldn't drink of the waters of Marah because they were bitter, so they called the name Marah, bitter. And the people - now here's what they did.
slave, so - Verse 23 - they came to Marah - which meansbitter - and they couldn't drink of the waters of Marah because they were bitter, so they called the name Marah, bitter. And the people - now here's what they did.
Notice instead of looking for a solution, instead of reaching out positively to God in expectation of a solution, the bitterness of their victim state rose up, and you notice what they did, one of the first evidences of victim
I mentality, is they complained. COMPLAINING puts you fair and square in the mentality of a victim.
When people complain, they are just pouring out their grievance, injustice, and hurt, and not taking responsibility they could do something about this situation.
When people complain, they are just pouring out their grievance, injustice, and hurt, and not taking responsibility they could do something about this situation.
Sometimes it's easier to complain, than to look what could I do about this? What are my options? So they said what'll we drink?
They complained against Moses. Usually when people have a victim mentality, they find a way to blame someone who is over them, a parent, a boss, a teacher, someone in authority anywhere, in their workplace. So when you hear people bitterly complaining, you know they're infected with this kind of mentality. It brings disaster on people. As a result of their complaining, Israel failed to enter their inheritance, a lesson for us,If we don't shift mentality, we cannot enter all the good
things that God has planned for us.
The remedy is...
God showed Moses a tree, that when he put it in the water, the bitter became
sweet.It's an amazing picture of God, the solution to victim mentality is a revelation of God's love and the healing power of the cross. It's interesting the first thing that they came across flushed up their victim mentality, and the first thing that came up is associated with
bitterness.
sweet.It's an amazing picture of God, the solution to victim mentality is a revelation of God's love and the healing power of the cross. It's interesting the first thing that they came across flushed up their victim mentality, and the first thing that came up is associated with
bitterness.
When people have been hurt, abused, suffered, experienced injustice, pain, grief and various
things, they often instead of resolving it, become bitter.
Bitterness reflects in complaining, and so there's aremedy, and the remedy is revelation, revelation that I'm not a victim.
I have a Father who loves me! I have a Father who's got the answer for every situation! I've got a Father who can show me what He accomplished at Calvary, and I can respond in faith and be delivered and healed and restored, and develop a positive mentality,
and experience resurrection life.
and experience resurrection life.
There is the story of a father who had two sons, the younger son said "dad, I don't want to live with you. I want to be out, give me the money. In other words, before you're dead,
give me the money, I want my inheritance now.
give me the money, I want my inheritance now.
He went out. You know he had a bad life, a rotten life.
He blew it all, and then he came to his senses, turned
around and he went back to his father with a repentant
heart, and when he did that he was welcomed. His father accepted him.
He blew it all, and then he came to his senses, turned
around and he went back to his father with a repentant
heart, and when he did that he was welcomed. His father accepted him.
This is the heart of God. He loves people. You say well I've got to get my life right, before God will accept me. No! The story absolutely blows that. That's a religious mindset. God says: I take you like you are! If you can receive My love, and connect with Me, I can pick you up and journey you to where you need to be. It was God, it was the father who restored the son. It's the father who putclothes on him, the father who gave him authority. It
was the father's extravagant love. We need revelation of
his extravagant love.
was the father's extravagant love. We need revelation of
his extravagant love.
Now of course the elder brother came in from the field,
and he said: what's this party going on? Now notice what he did. he portrays a victim
mentality, He was angry, and notice what he did, heisolated, pulled away from relationship, pulled away fromhis father, pulled away from celebration, pulled away
from connection. His father came and he pleaded with him. In other words his father entreated him to shift his heart attitude, and open his
and he said: what's this party going on? Now notice what he did. he portrays a victim
mentality, He was angry, and notice what he did, heisolated, pulled away from relationship, pulled away fromhis father, pulled away from celebration, pulled away
from connection. His father came and he pleaded with him. In other words his father entreated him to shift his heart attitude, and open his
heart and welcome his brother back in! The boy replied: "I've been here allthese years serving you. I never did anything like he did. You never gave me any of my goats, I could have fun with my friends and a party with my friends. As soon as this son of yours comes, devoured his livelihood with the prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him. What kind of father are you? What kind of justice is this?
The father answered and said : "son, you are always with me, and everything I have
is yours."
The father answered and said : "son, you are always with me, and everything I have
is yours."
He was in the house.and he couldn't access what he wanted, because of theway he thought. He had a victim mentality, and it's amazing the way it showed up. Interestingly enough,
He substituted works for relationship. He just worked hard for his father, but never knew his father.He had no emotional relationship with his father, and had no understanding of his father's heart.
That's what his problem was. He substituted for relationship, being goodand working hard.
Lots of people do that to be loved. He developed a victim mentality in many areas of his life.
When we substitute works for relationship, we are convinced we're right, and we can't receive the things we want to receive from God.
I (Mike) very much have had to wrestle with this myself. When I grew up I was emotionally quite disconnected, a major effect on my life from quite young, so the way I dealt with it, instead of connecting I isolated ,just like this older brother did. What I did was go into a world of fantasy reading books, and here's the other thing, working hard. I got the diligence prize every school I went to. Why did I get the diligence prize? Because I worked hard. Why were you working hard? Oh, I want you to ask me that. I might have to look at what motivated me to work hard. Actually I was trying to find approval and love, that I didn't feel I had, and so I had a wrong belief inside me that went something like this: If I
just work hard enough, I'll be noticed and approved and loved - and would you believe it, there was another belief in there as well: I'm unlovable. So no matter how hard I work, I'm never going to get the love I want. Isn't that amazing?
So year after year I work, work, work, work, work, work, work and I never had the emotional connection with my father that I was longing for, and I hoped would come with the work, because here's what had happened. When I thought I'd done really well, he would look at what was wrong, and see it could be better.
When we substitute works for relationship, we are convinced we're right, and we can't receive the things we want to receive from God.
I (Mike) very much have had to wrestle with this myself. When I grew up I was emotionally quite disconnected, a major effect on my life from quite young, so the way I dealt with it, instead of connecting I isolated ,just like this older brother did. What I did was go into a world of fantasy reading books, and here's the other thing, working hard. I got the diligence prize every school I went to. Why did I get the diligence prize? Because I worked hard. Why were you working hard? Oh, I want you to ask me that. I might have to look at what motivated me to work hard. Actually I was trying to find approval and love, that I didn't feel I had, and so I had a wrong belief inside me that went something like this: If I
just work hard enough, I'll be noticed and approved and loved - and would you believe it, there was another belief in there as well: I'm unlovable. So no matter how hard I work, I'm never going to get the love I want. Isn't that amazing?
So year after year I work, work, work, work, work, work, work and I never had the emotional connection with my father that I was longing for, and I hoped would come with the work, because here's what had happened. When I thought I'd done really well, he would look at what was wrong, and see it could be better.
IWhat it does is it increases the pain, and then leads you to view life in a certain way. Now here's a question to ask - so of course the thing is, as I've journeyed I've had to try and deal with this stuff, and here's the thing that's interesting. When I became a Christian, it didn't change. I wish it had. It didn't change. It just changed form, got very busy serving God. Same driving mentality: I'm unlovable, if I just do enough, God will love me. Did I know Godlove me? I had it in my head, but the problem is, it's not in your head that it counts, it's in your heart. If your heart is programmed with I'm unlovable, you will remain
a victim, and you'll always look and see all the reasons why things don't work out. You'll have every kind of excuse, every kind of reason. You'll blame everyone and
this and that, even blame the devil. The devil will be the persecutor, Jesus is going to be the rescuer.
a victim, and you'll always look and see all the reasons why things don't work out. You'll have every kind of excuse, every kind of reason. You'll blame everyone and
this and that, even blame the devil. The devil will be the persecutor, Jesus is going to be the rescuer.
You have a whole victim cycle operating in your life, and you don't learn to grow and become a son, who learns how to partner with God in life. He victim mentality sabotage everything, and here's how it sabotages it. Because the thinking is: I'm the victim, it's
not my fault you know. It's not my fault, it's someone else's fault, I'm right! That's the way a victim will think, I'm right, and I'd rather be right than have a relationship,
so I'll be right and I'll have a breach, rather than actually be vulnerable and declare maybe I'm not right, and even if I am I really want relationship.
so I'll be right and I'll have a breach, rather than actually be vulnerable and declare maybe I'm not right, and even if I am I really want relationship.
So victims view life through someone else is the cause of their problems,
and so they're the victim.
and so they're the victim.
The second thing is, a victim has to blame someone, so a victim says: you're my
persecutor, it's you. You did this to me. You're doing this to me. It was that boss of mine did it - and so victims always have got someone to blame. You can listen and it won't take long, and they'll find someone to blame.
persecutor, it's you. You did this to me. You're doing this to me. It was that boss of mine did it - and so victims always have got someone to blame. You can listen and it won't take long, and they'll find someone to blame.
Israel began to blame Moses, but they were really blaming God. The elder brother began toblame the father - notice his language is a little careful, but at the end there it is: this son of yours, and you gave him all this money. He's wasted the money, spent it on prostitutes would you believe, and now you have a party. Hey, what's up with you? So he sees the father as being the source of his trouble, so a person who has a victim mentality will have two other groups of people in the world; one are people to blame, persecutors, people who're against him - they're against me.
23 Signs of the Victim Mentality(Metol sol)
Are you, or is someone you love, playing the
victim? Here are some common signs to look
out for:
victim? Here are some common signs to look
out for:
>>You’re constantly blaming other people or situations for feeling miserable
>>You possess a “life is against me” philosophy
>>You’re cynical or pessimistic
>>You see your problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion
>>You think others are purposely trying to hurt you
>>You believe you’re the only one being targeted for mistreatment
>>You keep reliving past painful memories that made you feel like a victim
>>Even when things go right, you find something to complain about
>>You refuse to consider other perspectives when talking about your problems
>>You feel powerless and unable to cope effectively with a problem or life in general
>>You feel attacked when you’re given constructive criticism
>>You believe you’re not responsible for what happens in your life (others are)
>>You believe that everyone is “better off” than you
>>You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself
>>You attract people like you (who complain, blame, and feel victimized by life)
>>You believe that the world is a scary, mostly bad, place
>>You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with other people
>>You have a habit of blaming, attacking, and accusing those you love for how you feel
>>You feel powerless to change your circumstances
>>You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you don’t get it, you feel upset
>>You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life
>>You tend to “one-up” people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiencesYou’re constantly putting yourself down.
Other signs of victim mentality are:
1.Acting Helpless,
2.Hosting Pity Parties,
3. Focusing on the Negative
4.Predicting Doom and Gloom
5.Blaming Everyone else exaggerating Misfortune (Salawu O.J)
1.Acting Helpless,
2.Hosting Pity Parties,
3. Focusing on the Negative
4.Predicting Doom and Gloom
5.Blaming Everyone else exaggerating Misfortune (Salawu O.J)
STEPS OUT OF THE VICTIM MENTALITY
(i) Become Aware of your Thinking/Behaviour
Questions to ask yourself -
· Patterns of relationships that is ugly?
· History of hurting or being hurt?
· Blame self or others often for things
going wrong?
going wrong?
· Frequent feelings of anger?
· Childhood experiences?
(i) Yelling
(ii) Sexual abuse
(iii) Struggle with feelings, openness,
over-ridden
(iv) Rejection, abandonment, other types of
loss
(v) Life threatening emotional experiences
· Felt smothered or unimportant in the
family.
(i) Yelling
(ii) Sexual abuse
(iii) Struggle with feelings, openness,
over-ridden
(iv) Rejection, abandonment, other types of
loss
(v) Life threatening emotional experiences
· Felt smothered or unimportant in the
family.
(ii) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
N
· There can be no freedom without
responsibility
· What are the feelings? What are the
beliefs?
· What are the expectations?
· What events in the past have been some of
these issues?
responsibility
· What are the feelings? What are the
beliefs?
· What are the expectations?
· What events in the past have been some of
these issues?
>>In relating with people Start replacing “you” with “I”
For example, instead of saying “you make me
feel so angry,” you can replace that statement
with, “I feel so angry when I hear you say
that.” This simple trick can help you learn to
take more self-responsibility for your
happiness.(metol sol)
For example, instead of saying “you make me
feel so angry,” you can replace that statement
with, “I feel so angry when I hear you say
that.” This simple trick can help you learn to
take more self-responsibility for your
happiness.(metol sol)
·
(iii) WORK ON RENEWING THE BELIEFS
(iii) WORK ON RENEWING THE BELIEFS
· What is the old belief?
· What is the truth?
I (Salawu) recommend that you you that you build your life around what the Bible says you
God's word when meditated on has a purifying effect upon the soul
God's word when meditated on has a purifying effect upon the soul
are, that is the lasting solution. >>Meditate on God's Word,
(vi) PRACTICE GIVING AND RECEIVING LOVE
· Refuse old patterns of isolating
· Connect and practise giving and receiving
· Refuse old patterns of isolating
· Connect and practise giving and receiving
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing your insightful article, I really enjoyed it. I was surprised to see my name and quote mentioned in it, would you happen to be able to hyperlink the url to my website? I appreciate any new readers that may be interested.
Thanks for your feedback,
I will do that right away
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