insecurity ” — Olivia Wilde
Insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened and/or
inadequate in some way. We’ve all felt it at one time or
another. But while it’s quite normal to have feelings of
self-doubt once in a while, chronic insecurity can
sabotage your success in life and can be particularly
damaging to your intimate relationships. Chronic
insecurity robs you of your peace and prevents you from
being able to engage with your partner in a relaxed and
authentic way. The actions that come from insecurity—
always asking for reassurance, jealousy, accusing, and
snooping—erode trust, aren’t attractive, and can push a
partner away.
While many people tend to think that insecurity comes
from something their partner said or did, the reality is
that most insecurity comes from inside ourselves . The
feeling can start early in life with an insecure attachment
to your parents, or can develop after being hurt or
rejected by someone you care about. Insecurities are
maintained and built upon when you negatively compare
yourself to other people and harshly judge yourself with
critical inner dialogue. The majority of relationship
insecurity is based on irrational thoughts and fears—that
you are not good enough, that you will not be OK
without a partner, that you will never find anyone
better, that you are not truly lovable.
When you start to notice that sinking feeling of insecurity
there are a few things you can do:
1. Take stock of your value
When you feel insecure, you are often focused on
something you feel is lacking about you. In most well-
matched relationships, each partner brings different
qualities and strengths that complement the other. It is
possible to be equals in different ways. To feel more
secure in a relationship it helps to know what you have
to offer to the other person. You don’t have to be rich or
beautiful to offer something—personality characteristics
are far more important to the overall quality of a
relationship. Think about the traits you have as a person
—you may be nice, trustworthy, funny, kind, or a good
communicator. These are traits most people value in a
partner. And think about how you make the other
person’s life better: Do you make them feel loved,
supported, and happy? These are things everyone wants
to feel in a relationship, but many often don’t. Focus on
what you offer instead of what you feel you lack; this
will change your perspective. If the other person doesn’t
appreciate what you have to offer, that’s his or her loss.
2. Build your self-esteem
Research shows that people with more relationship
insecurity tend to have poorer self-esteem. When you
aren’t feeling good about who you are on the inside, it is
natural to want to look outside of yourself for validation.
However, trying to feel good by getting approval from
your partner is a losing situation for any relationship.
When your well-being depends on someone else, you
give away all of your power. A healthy partner won’t
want to carry this kind of burden and it can push him
or her away. Feeling good about who you are is a win-
win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of
well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and
self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your
partner want to be closer to you.
Building your self-esteem isn't as difficult as it may
seem. Building self-confidence comes with experience,
but there are two steps you can take that will rapidly
improve how you feel about yourself, Learn to silence
your inner critic and practice self-compassion, and
retrain yourself to focus on the aspects of yourself you
like instead of the ones you don’t like.
3. Keep your independence
A healthy relationship is comprised of two healthy
people. Becoming overly enmeshed in a relationship can
lead to poor boundaries and a diffuse sense of your own
needs. Maintaining your sense of self- identity and taking
care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys
to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you
aren't dependent on your relationship to fill all of your
needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an
independent person who has things going on outside of
the relationship also makes you a more interesting and
attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence
include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and
hobbies, maintaining financial independence,
and having self-improvement goals that are separate
from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to
do you.
4. Trust in yourself
Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the
other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust
yourself . Trust yourself to know that no matter what the
other person does, you will take care of you.
Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner
voice when it tells you that something isn’t
right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings,
trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and
trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-
identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship
isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a
wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself,
feeling secure is almost a guarantee. If finding this kind
of trust in yourself seems very difficult on your own, you
may wish to work with a professional who can help you
learn how to do this.
It's important to remember that no one is perfect—we all
come with some baggage. But it isn’t necessary to be
perfect to be in a happy, healthy, and secure relationship.
When you take your attention off of what other people
think and keep the focus on yourself, you can’t help
Reference:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201609/four-ways-stop-feeling-insecure-in-your-relationships
become a better, more secure version of yourself.
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