I worry about things more than I’d like to.
I worry about making mistakes, getting
criticized, having my business fail, being
awkward or rude in social situations and lots of
other things.
Most of the time my worries just stay in my
head. They’re there, but I ignore them well
enough to get on with my day and keep working.
Other times, those worries grip me and derail
my progress. I struggled immensely with big
parts of writing my upcoming book. My own
expectations (and imagined attacks) made
starting the writing portion of each chapter a
strenuous chore.
I don’t think my level of anxiety is unusual or
extreme. I don’t get panic attacks, and I haven’t
had anxiety debilitate my life the way it does for
many. That said, I’ve tried a lot of things to make
it easier. Here’s what’s worked for me.
Things I’ve Done to Worry
Less
Most problems in life are stubborn, rather than
complicated. Thus we tend to spend our lives
fighting against the same problems over and
over. Progress is possible, but at the same time,
our old foes are rarely completely vanquished.
Overcoming worrying isn’t a trivial issue. But it
there are strategies you can use to lessen the
impact.
1. Don’t Own Your Thoughts
I’ve found meditation helpful, not so much for
the actual meditation itself, but for the idea of
what meditation tries to accomplish and to apply
the same abstract principles to my ordinary life.
One of the core ideas of Buddhist philosophy is
anatman, or not-self. The idea essentially boils
down to reviewing everything in your conscious
experience and recognizing that you don’t have
control over it.
It’s easy to see your thoughts as part of yourself.
Something you create and control. It can
therefore be frustrating when you can’t help
yourself from worrying.
Another way of looking at it, however, is that
thoughts just happen. They are a sensory
experience, not part of you. Thoughts comes
from inside your head, but otherwise they’re as
much under your control as what you see, hear
or feel from the outside world.
Denying ownership of a thought gives you a
choice not to grab onto it. Just like how you
might have an annoying sound in the
background and choose to ignore it because
there’s nothing you can do, you can similarly
have a distracting, negative thought and choose
to do nothing about it.
This approach is different because most of us
spend our time trying to “stop” ourselves from
worrying (which makes it worse), or try to
“solve” the worry by imagining a way to avoid
the threat. It’s easy to forget that there’s a third
option: do nothing.
2. Get Off Social Media.
Facing down your fears is good. But there’s a
difference between healthy exposure to things
that give you anxiety, and indulging in a non-
stop download of algorithmically-optimized
information designed to trigger your threat
response.
Twitter is my vice of choice. I love being able to
engage with smart people from around the
world on interesting topics. More than once I’ve
learned fascinating new things. But the platform
is also a nightmare for throwing up things that
make you feel angry or anxious.
I now believe that resiliency must be matched
with choosing appropriate environments. Mute
the people and sources that make you feel
worried. Especially if those are the people on
“your side.”
3. Identify Your Acute Anxieties,
Face Them Head-On.
Not all anxieties are recurring. You may worry
that you said something weird to that person one
time, and forget about it a few days later. Others,
however, have consistent themes and show up
again and again.
One of mine is definitely being criticized for my
work or projects. Over the last thirteen years
I’ve said and done a lot. A lot of the things I’ve
said or decisions I made have probably been
wrong. Thus, anyone with an axe to grind
against me would have plenty of material to
make an attack.
This worry has often been stoked by seeing
highly-public cases of someone having their
career ruined because of a relatively innocent
mistake. I remember puzzling over the downfall
of Jonah Lehrer , whose sky-rocketing writing
career was torn down over misquoting Bob
Dylan. I agree he made some mistakes, but the
punishment didn’t match the crime.
Although I can’t simulate a career-ending
mistake without making one, I’ve tried to
attenuate my own fears of criticism by going out
and reading it. When I do, the attacks are rarely
as bad as the ones I imagine. Even from people
who hate me (one guy even created a website
saying why he hated me), the reality is usually
easier than my imagination.
Your fears may be different. It might be failing a
big test, getting fired or being humiliated.
Seeking mild exposure to those things you fear is
often the only way to diminish their intensity.
4. Stop Trying to Solve It.
My friend, a clinical psychologist, told me that
one of the big mistakes people make to deal with
anxiety is seeking reassurance. You worry, so
naturally you want to talk to someone who will
tell you everything will be okay.
While this does make you feel better for a short
time, it actually makes it worse later. By
“rewarding” your anxious mental patterns with
reassurance, you strengthen this pattern of
behavior through negative reinforcement .
Similarly, you can have the same issue when
trying to “solve” your worries. If you’re have
anxious thoughts about someone humiliating you
at work, you might fantasize your comeback.
The alternative approach, suggested by my
friend, was to resist the temptation to find a way
out of your problem. It will make your anxiety
worse, but because there’s no “resolution”, the
pattern that led to your anxiety is reduced.
This model suggests that anxiety is a motivation
with a clear purpose. That purpose is to identify
threats and formulate solutions to them. When
the goal of this feeling is frustrated, the response
is weakened for the next time.
Ask if a Worry is Actionable,
Not Rational
I got an email from a reader who also struggles
with anxiety, and said that although he can see
from a distant perspective that many of his
anxieties are irrational, he can’t so easily
separate the legitimate worries from the
ridiculous ones when they’re afflicting him.
A behavior that is bad 100% of the time is much
easier to break off as a habit than one which is
beneficial some of the time. When you quit
smoking, you can go cold turkey. When you want
to quit overeating, you can’t stop eating food.
Similarly, some anxiety is probably a good thing.
But too much can be crippling.
What this reader wanted to be able to do was to
figure out which fears were rational and which
were not, in the moment, so as to ignore the
irrational ones.
You can’t separate out the “rational” worries
from the irrational ones.
Most of your anxieties, even the ones you should
have less of, do have a rational basis. The things
I fear are not things that are totally without
merit, although I should probably worry about
them less than I do typically.
Instead of asking whether something is
irrational, ask if you should change your
behavior. When a worry can’t change your
response, it’s not helpful, even if it might be
rational.
Reference:
https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2019/05/14/worry-less/
I worry about making mistakes, getting
criticized, having my business fail, being
awkward or rude in social situations and lots of
other things.
Most of the time my worries just stay in my
head. They’re there, but I ignore them well
enough to get on with my day and keep working.
Other times, those worries grip me and derail
my progress. I struggled immensely with big
parts of writing my upcoming book. My own
expectations (and imagined attacks) made
starting the writing portion of each chapter a
strenuous chore.
I don’t think my level of anxiety is unusual or
extreme. I don’t get panic attacks, and I haven’t
had anxiety debilitate my life the way it does for
many. That said, I’ve tried a lot of things to make
it easier. Here’s what’s worked for me.
Things I’ve Done to Worry
Less
Most problems in life are stubborn, rather than
complicated. Thus we tend to spend our lives
fighting against the same problems over and
over. Progress is possible, but at the same time,
our old foes are rarely completely vanquished.
Overcoming worrying isn’t a trivial issue. But it
there are strategies you can use to lessen the
impact.
1. Don’t Own Your Thoughts
I’ve found meditation helpful, not so much for
the actual meditation itself, but for the idea of
what meditation tries to accomplish and to apply
the same abstract principles to my ordinary life.
One of the core ideas of Buddhist philosophy is
anatman, or not-self. The idea essentially boils
down to reviewing everything in your conscious
experience and recognizing that you don’t have
control over it.
It’s easy to see your thoughts as part of yourself.
Something you create and control. It can
therefore be frustrating when you can’t help
yourself from worrying.
Another way of looking at it, however, is that
thoughts just happen. They are a sensory
experience, not part of you. Thoughts comes
from inside your head, but otherwise they’re as
much under your control as what you see, hear
or feel from the outside world.
Denying ownership of a thought gives you a
choice not to grab onto it. Just like how you
might have an annoying sound in the
background and choose to ignore it because
there’s nothing you can do, you can similarly
have a distracting, negative thought and choose
to do nothing about it.
This approach is different because most of us
spend our time trying to “stop” ourselves from
worrying (which makes it worse), or try to
“solve” the worry by imagining a way to avoid
the threat. It’s easy to forget that there’s a third
option: do nothing.
2. Get Off Social Media.
Facing down your fears is good. But there’s a
difference between healthy exposure to things
that give you anxiety, and indulging in a non-
stop download of algorithmically-optimized
information designed to trigger your threat
response.
Twitter is my vice of choice. I love being able to
engage with smart people from around the
world on interesting topics. More than once I’ve
learned fascinating new things. But the platform
is also a nightmare for throwing up things that
make you feel angry or anxious.
I now believe that resiliency must be matched
with choosing appropriate environments. Mute
the people and sources that make you feel
worried. Especially if those are the people on
“your side.”
3. Identify Your Acute Anxieties,
Face Them Head-On.
Not all anxieties are recurring. You may worry
that you said something weird to that person one
time, and forget about it a few days later. Others,
however, have consistent themes and show up
again and again.
One of mine is definitely being criticized for my
work or projects. Over the last thirteen years
I’ve said and done a lot. A lot of the things I’ve
said or decisions I made have probably been
wrong. Thus, anyone with an axe to grind
against me would have plenty of material to
make an attack.
This worry has often been stoked by seeing
highly-public cases of someone having their
career ruined because of a relatively innocent
mistake. I remember puzzling over the downfall
of Jonah Lehrer , whose sky-rocketing writing
career was torn down over misquoting Bob
Dylan. I agree he made some mistakes, but the
punishment didn’t match the crime.
Although I can’t simulate a career-ending
mistake without making one, I’ve tried to
attenuate my own fears of criticism by going out
and reading it. When I do, the attacks are rarely
as bad as the ones I imagine. Even from people
who hate me (one guy even created a website
saying why he hated me), the reality is usually
easier than my imagination.
Your fears may be different. It might be failing a
big test, getting fired or being humiliated.
Seeking mild exposure to those things you fear is
often the only way to diminish their intensity.
4. Stop Trying to Solve It.
My friend, a clinical psychologist, told me that
one of the big mistakes people make to deal with
anxiety is seeking reassurance. You worry, so
naturally you want to talk to someone who will
tell you everything will be okay.
While this does make you feel better for a short
time, it actually makes it worse later. By
“rewarding” your anxious mental patterns with
reassurance, you strengthen this pattern of
behavior through negative reinforcement .
Similarly, you can have the same issue when
trying to “solve” your worries. If you’re have
anxious thoughts about someone humiliating you
at work, you might fantasize your comeback.
The alternative approach, suggested by my
friend, was to resist the temptation to find a way
out of your problem. It will make your anxiety
worse, but because there’s no “resolution”, the
pattern that led to your anxiety is reduced.
This model suggests that anxiety is a motivation
with a clear purpose. That purpose is to identify
threats and formulate solutions to them. When
the goal of this feeling is frustrated, the response
is weakened for the next time.
Ask if a Worry is Actionable,
Not Rational
I got an email from a reader who also struggles
with anxiety, and said that although he can see
from a distant perspective that many of his
anxieties are irrational, he can’t so easily
separate the legitimate worries from the
ridiculous ones when they’re afflicting him.
A behavior that is bad 100% of the time is much
easier to break off as a habit than one which is
beneficial some of the time. When you quit
smoking, you can go cold turkey. When you want
to quit overeating, you can’t stop eating food.
Similarly, some anxiety is probably a good thing.
But too much can be crippling.
What this reader wanted to be able to do was to
figure out which fears were rational and which
were not, in the moment, so as to ignore the
irrational ones.
You can’t separate out the “rational” worries
from the irrational ones.
Most of your anxieties, even the ones you should
have less of, do have a rational basis. The things
I fear are not things that are totally without
merit, although I should probably worry about
them less than I do typically.
Instead of asking whether something is
irrational, ask if you should change your
behavior. When a worry can’t change your
response, it’s not helpful, even if it might be
rational.
Reference:
https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2019/05/14/worry-less/
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