The glue in any relationship is in the relating. It’s
what we as people desire very deeply, to relate with others.
The root of the word ‘relate’ comes from Latin and means to ‘bring back’. You might think of it like this; we experience things while we are moving through our lives and then we look forward to bringing those experiences back too ur friends and loved ones to share what we went through.
Can you feel that urge inside to recount what happened to that special person in your life who seems to hang on every word? This is a fundamental aspect that human beings are programmed to desire and fulfill for the simple reason that it generates feelings of love. In other words, we have a very positive emotional response when we share or ‘bring back’ our experiences with someone who is receptive, interested and attentive.
From another angle, this is the perfect union of masculine and feminine. The sharing of the experience is the masculine ‘imparting’ expression and the listening with genuine interest is the feminine ‘receiving’ expression. It really is that simple. You will experience a tremendous improvement in your ability to relate
to others if you have these aspects developed and available.
The problems arise because we don’t often have them refined and we let our needs get in the way which creates concepts that interfere with clean relating. Let’s explore an example of a concept that interferes with clean relating, which is the dual polarity of victim mentality and entitlement.
This belief structure stems from an attitude that bad things happen to us unfairly. At the same time, that people owe us something. It develops when we are acting from a wounded place and not fully aware of it. It is possible we are exerting a subconscious pressure on our friends and loved ones without recognizing that this victim/entitlement manifests and blocks good relating.
Good relating is non-reactive relating. It is quite normal to have feelings when someone shares their experiences and in fact, having feelings while listening to a friend makes the relating richer. But if we are living in victim mentality,
when someone relates an experience that
highlights another being taken advantage of, we might find ourselves getting angry. And that anger can hinder the good relating. Let’s walk through an example to see how this might playout.
Imagine a couple having dinner together and the
woman is sharing about something that
happened at her job. She is sharing that she felt
it was unfair how another woman was given
credit for an accomplishment by their boss that
she did a fair amount of work on but she wasn’t
acknowledged.
Many things are possible in this scenario as in,
perhaps the woman who got credit had
demonstrated a greater ability to be responsible
and so was given more authority. Or she had
learned how to give the boss the experience,
materials, results she wanted and so the credit
and praise flowed more freely.
But in the mind of the storyteller, the co-worker
got the credit unfairly that she herself deserved.
And now, she is subconsciously putting out a
charged energy and wanting validation from her
partner that it was wrong, that she was wronged
and that once again, she was victimized. Without
being conscious of it, she wants her boyfriend
to agree to the injustice and this, she believes
will make her feel better and more understood.
But the boyfriend doesn’t have the victim
mentality. In fact, he has the opposite, or a little
of a ‘take what you need’ nature. So inside
himself, he might feel that she didn’t stand up
for herself and demand what she wanted, which
is more his way of getting what he needs.
Can you see why these two were drawn
together? While this dynamic creates attraction,
at a deep level, he will regard her as weak
because he thinks she lets herself get run over.
And she will feel he lacks compassion and not
validate her as the victimized one in this mean
and unfair world.
Over time, he will likely tune her out when she
gets into these types of stories and she will
withdraw her compassion for him at times when
he needs an understanding friend. In the early
years, this tension will lead to dramatic conflicts
that builds and can be broken through sex. But
the damage will erode the trust and either they
will settle into a limited dynamic of relating or
eventually separate because the love will stop
flowing.
How does the entitlement play into all this? It is
a coping tool used by those with victim
wounding. They have decided that people owe
them because of how hurt they have been and
they carry this expectancy. This overrides a
natural gratitude and appreciation.
In our example, the woman has a feeling she is
entitled to credit for her work done. However,
she will likely be extremely defensive if she
receives criticism of her work because she will
simply assume she is being victimized.
This is an example of how our wounding kills our
relating and thus strains our relationships. We all
have wounds and we have all found ways to
cope with them. But this means we all have hot
buttons where we react inappropriately and we
all have behaviors that are off.
Returning to the beginning of this lesson, we all
want deeply to have good relating with friends,
family and mates. So why not make it our
priority to first develop our listening skill so we
can be receptive when they want to ‘bring back’
their experiences? And second, learn how to
share in ways that are giving and not draining.
Listening is Giving Here are some key tips. Listening is a form of
giving. You give your whole attention to the
other and lo and behold, they feel loved. You
must train yourself to listen with a sense of
wonder, to find what the other person says to
be so interesting, that nothing else matters. I
recognize that not everyone has that affect
because it can be draining to listen to someone
who is very self absorbed and thus is actually
sucking energy from you. In these cases, likely a
relationship won’t form because the imbalance
between the giving and receiving is too great.
But certainly we can make a greater effort to
tune in to what the person is sharing and get
into it. We can set aside our smart phone and
ignore an incoming text. We can miss a TV show
or sports replay and stay with someone who
wants to connect. We can give of our time when
it is clearly important to the other. This is an
expression of love and generally trumps material
gifts and even time together that is too
outwardly focused.
But the real tip is in how to share your
experiences. The deep connection happens
when you ‘bring back’ the most meaningful
parts, your vulnerabilities, the things that you
saw and felt during whatever experience you are
talking about. This is what the feminine receptive
part in everyone craves, the real heartfelt truth.
It’s why we get such a thrill to learn what
trouble the celebrities are in, because we want to
relate to what they go through.
Unfortunately, in our culture, we often want to
see people suffer because we get a strange
emotional glee out of seeing people screw up
and get hurt. But remember that what draws
people to you is the willingness to be real and
share stuff that makes you vulnerable. It doesn’t
mean you dwell on every fearful thing you go
through and dump these things on your friends.
People also love when we overcome difficult
circumstances and we triumph. This gives the
other hope and also creates a healthy admiration
and respect within the relationship.
Don’t Dump all your Emotional Baggage on
Others This is a third important point… don’t feel that
you can just dump all of your whole life’s
experience on someone just because they are
willing to listen. You need to be considerate
because love is considerate. This means you
need to be proactive in balancing who talks and
who listens.
You need to be comfortable enough to share
your vulnerabilities and have another person
soak them in. And discerning enough to
recognize when it is time to turn it over and ask
the other to share.
In a good relationship, there will be a natural
‘volleying’ rhythm to it. But even the best
relationships sometimes require a correction by
one party, meaning you might have to find a
tactful way to let the other know that it’s time
for them to listen or share more real stuff.
Next remember to not bleed on your friend. This
means don’t be pulling on them to validate your
wounding by presenting these outrageous
stories that show what a victim you are. Don’t
launch into long monologues that are filled with
negativity.
The energy of that type of sharing doesn’t give,
but it drains. Or on the flip side, trumpeting all
your grandiose accomplishments. That sort of
egotism creates pressure on the one listening
and eventually they will withdraw. Good sharing
is giving as well. What you say needs to be
interesting and so be considerate of what your
listener likes, and not just what you want to say.
An example of this is level of detail. Some people
crave to know the very minutia such as what
everyone was wearing and what time everything
happened and stuff like that. So make the effort
to give the details that satisfy your listener. This
is an act of love.
But more than anything, give the deep truth.
Share from your heart what you went through.
Notice if you are just recounting the events from
mind. The latter is quite boring and hard to relate
to. A sensitive listener will get tired and
distracted when everything spoken is cerebral.
Try to build others up in your sharing. It is
generally a trait that is respected and admired.
I’m not saying to denigrate yourself as this is
more victim mentality. Be humble and share
what you did in order to overcome whatever
hardship came your way. Highlight the good
aspects that came through in others.
Take Breaks and Check in (Avoid Babbling) And finally, check in frequently and ask for
validation. This is so important so you don’t
ramble on endlessly. Give and receive cues that
you are listening and interested. Break up your
monologue occasionally and ask what the other
thinks. Hopefully they will comment on your
story and then encourage you to go on, though
sometimes it opens things up to go in a new
direction. Be flexible and let the conversation
take on life. Later you can bring it back to your
story if you feel that burning desire inside to
finish.
Coming full circle, relating is the glue that builds
the relationship. And we aren’t really taught the
subtle energetics of relating. Simply keep in mind
that people crave to bring their experiences back
so they can share them with those who they
love, and especially those who show a genuine
receptive interest. So become one who has that
interest. And also, work on making your
experiences interesting to others by giving the
deep truth you experienced. Not everyone will be
able to hang with you but those who do are
Footnotes:
2. Image credit
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