HOW TO DEAL WITH CONTEMPTUOUS PEOPLE

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Contempt is the feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration.
It also means hatred or disdain and it’s the feeling people have when they look down on others.


People who despise others have a clear intention to humiliate. They seek to ridicule, belittle, and even ignore others. They do so by looking for the perfect opportunity to wound the mind, fracture self-esteem, and forever break the bond of trust.


Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And
you are lesser than me.”

When we communicate with contempt, we are truly
mean. Treating others with disrespect and mocking
them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of
contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling,
mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and
sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a
relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority,
especially moral, ethical, or characterological.

Contempt is often the order of the day, either openly or
discreetly. Be that as it may, there’s one thing we must
keep in mind:

people who despise show a cowardly
behavior nourished by resentment and an absolute lack
of emotional maturity.

Contempt has three features:
1) Someone fails to meet their behavioral standards whether they’re based on class, culture, morals or religion.



2) They think they are better than someone.

A person believes their opinions, time, happiness,etc. are worth more than yours.



3) They want the other person removed from your life. This leads people to humiliate, hurt, and/or

use other means to distance themselves from
people.

The anatomy of contempt



Contempt is the opposite of empathy .


While empathy is our ability to open ourselves up to

another person and connect with their reality and nee
contempt does the opposite. First, we build a wall,then
we stand on top of it in order to denigrate and belittle
others.
Likewise, children who grow up in environments
characterized by contempt and humiliation are more
likely to develop low self-esteem, guilt, embarrassment
stress, and anxiety disorders.

People who’re used to despising others have certain
things in common.
These people don’t tolerate
disagreement and don’t connect with or see other
people’s needs. In addition, they aren’t very skilled
communicators. Hence, they resort to facial grimaces
and sighs to show their deep contempt with their
posture and gaze.
These people have certain psychological dimensions.
They’re full of frustration and deep anger. Their
contempt projects their own negative emotions and
personal dissatisfaction onto others.

Continuous contempt generates psychological damage
and also impacts physical health. The University of
Pennsylvania carried out a study in a series of schools
and discovered several facts. The first was the effect of
contempt on self-esteem . All the students who had been
victims of humiliation and contempt had a more negative
self-image.
Likewise, contempt, stress, and continued harassment
have a serious effect on the immune system. It’s more
common for victims of contempt to suffer from colds,
allergies, digestive problems, and infections. All of this
undoubtedly forces us to address this flaw,
this inclination that affects others with harsh words.
Contempt is the most damaging emotion because it
invalidates others and causes psychological damage.
Contempt shows an absolute lack of compassion and
empathy. It generates pain in others and causes anguish
and fear. Ultimately, contempt ends up breaking our
emotional relationships and makes our children grow up
with fear and poor self-esteem.


Discussion on How to deal with Contemptuous People


How do I deal with contemptuous
people?
July 22, 2015 5:17 PM 
Without going into too much detail, I'd love to know
the most effective way to combat contempt amongst
coworkers, bosses, and fellow members of social
circles. I have attempted "killing them with kindness,"
but it seems to have little impact on diffusing
situations where I am treated with disgust. Any help
would be much appreciated.
I think the solution is different in the different types of
relationships. Might you be willing to be into a bit more
detail in each situation?
posted by at on July 22, 2015 [
]
smorgasbord 5:21 PM 2
favorites
Among coworkers and bosses - are you 100% sure that
you are performing at your best? I ask because in my
experience many (not most, certainly not all, but many)
people who complain about how they are treated at
work are underperformers who are loathed by a good
number of their colleagues.
If you're confident that your performance is not even a
bit of the problem, then just ignore these people. When
you must interact with them, do so cordially and
calmly, then move on.
With "fellow members of social circles," just get new
friends. People that treat you with contempt don't
deserve your friendship.
posted by at on July 22,
2015 [ ]
schroedingersgirl 5:26 PM
8 favorites
We have a saying here in Maine: you think you're a hot
shit on a silver platter, but you're only a cold fart in a
Dixie cup. Perhaps you could envision that?
Otherwise, we used to do a thing called, "Thank you
very much!" which meant, "Fuck you very much!" with
us girls in the office.
I did have my defenders at work, so if a real asshole
came up to me, he would get slapped down, because I
was amongst some very high caliber people and they
were always very nice to me and if anyone treated me
badly, woe unto them.
If people are treating you with contempt, that's on
them. And you are in the wrong workplace. Whenever I
talked to my Dad, he used to say, "If a job ever effects
your self-esteem, you should leave. Hopefully you will
have a new job before that, but I've quit jobs before
when I had to."
My Dad was the mildest guy in the world. And I am
very sensitive, like him. And I put up with a lot of
malarky at jobs for a long time, which I shouldn't have
put up with, owners having affairs with the ad agency
lady and I was doing the ads (what?), etc.
So I'm going to tell you: if it's affecting your self
esteem, you should leave. Try to get a new job before
it, but don't stay at any job that brings you down so
much.
posted by at on July 22, 2015
[ ]
Marie Mon Dieu 5:42 PM
14 favorites
I agree that we probably need more information before
we can come up with a useful strategy. That said, in
many situations in which people are behaving
abominably, I find it useful to cock my head, as though
I haven't quite heard them right, and say, "I'm sorry?" -
giving them a chance to reflect on how bad what
they're saying sounds - and then, if they continue to
act badly, just sort of nod with my eyebrows raised a
little and say, "All right. If you say so." And then
immediately leave the conversation. Basically, treat
aggressively rude people like you'd treat a drunk who
just took a poo in his hand and is offering it to you -
you don't want to with their yuckiness; you just
want to back away slowly, while getting as little of it as
possible on you.
Also sometimes when my little cousin is being a brat I
just roll my eyes and say, "Rude!" and then change the
subject. That works, too.
engage
posted by at on July 22,
2015 [ ]
pretentious illiterate 6:19 PM
14 favorites
You asked how to combat a tone which in and of itself
should be suspect. People often aren't thinking or
reacting to you in the way you think they are if you're
in a really negative headspace.
That said, and I know this sounds dumb, but the only
person who can actually make you upset is you. When
someone is being a jerk or I sense a tone, I mentally
step back and depending on my mood do one of two
things:
1. Wow, it must suck for that person to be such an
angry/selfish/oblivious person. Good thing I'm not like
that. --- I'm not upset anymore and I can just detach
from the situation.
2. Is this really about me? I wonder if something else is
going on or this person is having a really bad day.
Maybe I can defuse this and change their life with this
one interaction. --- boom, I feel great and I hopefully
make their day less miserable
So really, life is what you make of it. Reading the tone
and dwelling on people's actions and words will often
only take you to a bad place.
posted by at on July 22, 2015
[ ]
OnTheLastCastle 7:11 PM
2 favorites
If it's true contempt, it's one of those things that is
much harder to "solve" than to mitigate. Contempt is
one of those variables that is often used to accurately
predict relationships that won't survive long term.
When it enters the equation, it's predictably toxic.
Mitigation strategies certainly exist for situations in
which you have no control, but I would think that it's
hard to keep absorbing that negativity constantly. So, a
change of environment is often best (as it's hard to
change people who exhibit true contempt; I'm not sure
that witty comebacks work in the long run), but if
that's not negotiable, certainly surrounding yourself
elsewhere with like-minded people who can affirm you
for your inherent value despite what naysayers might
be spewing creates some life-balance.
Also, one thing that I've found helpful is that over time
is that I've stopped giving emotional weight to those
who are unkind to others, including to myself. It used
to have weight when their opinions mattered, but as I
met really quality people in life who were gracious and
kind, I started having either detached disinterest or pity
towards those who couldn't exemplify those virtues.
It's still hard to listen to contemptuous statements, but
by changing the lens from one of first-person
internalization to one of third-person observational
disinterest or pity, it helps deflect some of the
emotional impact.
Good luck, and I hope you find some peace in your life
situations.
posted by at on July 22, 2015 [
]
SpacemanStix 7:28 PM 7
favorites
Are you sure people are treating you with disgust?
Unless you're behaving very badly, I'm skeptical.
You could have contempt for yourself and therefore
believe that others dislike you.
If many people have a genuine dislike for you,
examining your behavior is a good idea. Other than
that, I would advise not doing anything at all. Allow
people to think as they will, live your life and mind your
business.
posted by at on July 22, 2015 [
]
Fairchild 7:30 PM 4
favorites
I agree that it would be helpful if you gave examples.
I'm actually having trouble of thinking of any times
when I've ever felt truly treated with contempt in my
whole life--and it's absolutely not something I deal with
on a regular basis, nor is it something that I've seen
happen to those around me. Maybe we define
"contempt" differently. But if you see it the same way I
see it, I think there's something more going on, either
in your perceptions or your behavior. I don't think your
reactions should be your main focus. In general,
though, I think the best reaction to contempt might be
to calmly, assertively tell the person that you feel hurt
by what they've said.
posted by at on July 22,
2015
three_red_balloons 7:37 PM
I think you probably mean belittling or snobbishness
more than genuine outright contempt. Or just general
dickishness.
I work with a lot of high-powered strong personalities
in law. My personal solution is some combination of:
1. Pretending to be dumb- works surprisingly well,
actually helps people pat themselves on the back and
move on. Helps you get away with a lot too. Maybe I
just let that insult "pass over my head" you know?
2. Being the perfect lady at all times. When I go back
and read the emails or whatever, a third party should
only see perfect politeness and composure on my part
in the face of incredible odds. It may not mean much in
the moment but many small battles win the war, and
sustaining this long-term will eventually win you
respect. At least from independent observers.
3. When they figure out you're not dumb and not going
to lose it, do not lord it over them. Let them eat crow
and be polite about it.
posted by at on July 22, 2015 [
]
quincunx 8:28 PM 2
favorites
So many people are dicks these days because they're
insecure and get a lot out of treating other people like
shit.
I don't 100% know if it works, but killing them with
kindness while feeling pity for utterly selfish, needy,
unempathetic dicks feels pretty powerful. Works pretty
great online too. It's disingenuous to some extent, but
some people are pathetic, self centered assholes who
care more about themselves and their feelings and
being right and you have to humor them. Consider it a
public service.
posted by at on July 22, 2015 [
]
discopolo 8:32 PM 1
favorite
I like this one (with straight face): "That's strange, why
would you say that?"
posted by at on July 22, 2015 [
]
Toddles 9:08 PM 3
favorites
Just wanted to reassure you that contempt (or
snobbishness/belittling behaviour) like this is
something I've absolutely been subject to at work in
the past - daily and coming from several different
people in the organisation. It was especially bad in my
first job where I was hired entry level (i.e. worked as
the receptionist/general admin person) and people
were like LOL YOU MUST BE STUPID! but it was also
echoed in other roles where I was doing admin and
temping. I'm a pretty proficient worker and just as
intelligent as most other people I've worked with (and
have done a lot of management in other fields) but
there's something about being at the lowest rung that
really provokes certain people into treating you like
absolute brainless, worthless shit who can be talked at
in a series of snippy, demeaning commands delivered
in a sneering tone. Yes these people are usually
insecure, may have stalled in their career or not have
got as far as they'd like so are looking to bring others
down as they can't go up, or may be generally nasty
individuals who just don't behave with any decency
when they aren't explicitly socially forced to.
As far as work goes, I just recommend getting another
job. Honestly, you can shrug it off and get on with
your work but this kind of thing really does get to you
after a while and it can take a long time to remedy the
damage to your self-esteem. Concerning social circles,
I just don't hang around with people who treat me like
this more than once - I know that seems a bit extreme
but life really is too short for me to be enduring stuff
like that in my me-time. What's the point of hanging
around with your friends if they aren't your friends?
posted by at on July 22,
2015 [ ]
everydayanewday 10:09 PM
11 favorites
Solution depends on WHY they have contempt for you.
If it's because you have superior skills or work ethics,
then f*** them.
If it's because you're of different background, they may
come around if you can show you're just one of the
guys.
It may or may not be solvable.
posted by at on July 23, 2015 kschang 2:05 AM
Hmmm. I've been that person. It was a temp
assignment, and I was invited back on a second
occasion.
The second time, someone had actually taken the time
to document the organizations very detailed and
specific editorial standards. It was titled "Useful
Information on Finding Useful Information". It was
handed to me with a sympathetic eyeroll and the
remark "I suppose nobody told you." They hadn't.
Previously, I'd had no idea they wanted half these
things. When I'd started, I'd had no idea they wanted
any of these things. So of course I was an
underperformer. They'd liked me that way, because
they were looking for someone to hold in contempt. It
turned out that other temps weren't quite as gracious
about eating shit as I was, which is why, in my
absence, they'd had to document their standards and,
eventually, rehire me.
So what I'm saying is, yes you need to look at ways in
which you might not be performing to the required
standard, and be constantly trying to improve.
However, that doesn't mean the problem is all you.
And that hasn't got to matter. If these people are your
colleagues and not your friends, the best way to deal
with it is emotional detachment and taking what
feedback there is in someone's criticism, without taking
it to heart. Do this long enough and you will start to
see people flailing around looking for something to
complain about just to complain.
The demeanour is freezing politeness at all times. Read
Miss Manners to get the feel of how to do it. Also,
looking for a new work environment as soon as
possible.
With friends, the solution is to rule people out as
friends the moment they show you signs of contempt.
Friends should simply not be treating you like that.
Again, freezing politeness and the slow fade are the
answer.
Among coworkers and bosses - are you 100% sure that you
are performing at your best? I ask because in my
experience many (not most, certainly not all, but many)
people who complain about how they are treated at work
are underperformers who are loathed by a good number of
their colleagues.
posted by at on July 23, 2015 [
]
tel3path 4:02 AM 8
favorites
I have social acquaintances who are friends of the
family, so I can't just not see them (especially when
you love one part of a married couple who come as a
package deal, for example), but I have become pretty
firm about social expressions of contempt.
I once almost shut down a dinner party, where this guy
who gets toxic when it comes to certain subjects was
mocking me, calling me a liar, rolling his eyes when I
talked, etc. I stopped and told him that I could handle
people who disagreed with me, but I would not
continue to engage with a person who showed me
contempt. He made some lame excuses, but I said no,
you know perfectly well what you are doing, and it is
extremely unkind and I deserve better from you.
There was an awkward silence where no one knew
what to say! It was uncomfortable! He was furious! But
eventually someone else changed the subject, and we
all ate dessert, and it was fine. I'm sure that dude
dreads seeing me, but, you know, GOOD.
People get away with this behavior in social
environments because no one wants to make a scene,
but once you realize "the person being incredibly rude
and hurtful and refusing to respect basic social
conventions is the one making the scene," it can be
pretty great to call them on it.
posted by at on July 23, 2015

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